i sometimes wish i was someone else but who doesn't i guess. i just see so many flaws in the mirror and i wonder what i could have changed to make my body more desirable to whomever i set after. i am so inlove with your memorie and picture. but i know the real you is imature and anoying. there is a side of you that is unlike any man i've ever met. this is what i remember that sets you apart. you are so considerate and into me when we're together. i miss you. i've done nothing since you've been gone to make myself hotter. i'm scared to see you again. i want to make you happy. i want you to see me as i see you. i know who you are and even with all this you are gorgeous it's  just to bad that i'm stuck here with all these self esteem issues and a husband who is a cheater. i know it's wrong of me to think of you but i could never tell you or act on it i just sit here and write it out to people i've never met and let them know. there is a man out there that god made so gorgeous i can't think of anything else and it's you. i would give up everything for you.i

i recently moved 20 hours away from all i love for my cheating husband

since i got here i found out that he has not stopped his affair.

here laitly he has been telling me he loves me and being nice and all this is a real change from the way he normally is so i figured he might have accually stopped and decided to pick us instead. today i found out i was wrong. he's been writing her and mailing her  and even calling her

i'm lost. i think i'm pretty. i have black hair to the middle of my back and olive skin and blue eyes so what if i have trust issues and i like chicks and i'm a cutter. everyone has somthing wrong right?

why is he cheating on me with a 40 year old woman?!!!!!

she looks like leather. the worst part is that he tells me i don't know what i'm talking about, that  its not her, and all this stuff. he makes me feel as if i'm going crazy. he sent our phone records to his parents so i wouldn't know he was still talking to her, he tells me everyone hates me and then tells everyone that i don't want to go anywhere or talk cause i'm deppressed and so it looks to me like he's telling the truth. this has been going on for about 3 months and i finally sat down with everyone and got all this staightened out. there was a while there where people thought i was the one who was doing all these sneeky underhanded things. truth is i never once cheated. i forgave him and moved here and cooked and cleaned for him. and he called me names and put me down to nothing cause i guess in my mind i thought it was all gonna work out. that he was my one true love, i know thats stupid and childlike, but i always liked that quality about me. i think he killed it. i can't watch love stories or anything without crying and thinking thats crap he's lying. there is such a hate building in my heart, i don't know where to put it. the first time i found out i chopped right in front of him so he could see it. i bled all over the carpet end he took me to the hospital to try to get me committed and it really didn't effect him cause after that everytime i'd go to the bathroom after a fight he asks me if i'm gonna go be stupid and cut. there are other ways to handle that i'm sure.  

here's my drama for all to see.

the love i once had is now a dream. i held you close and gave my all but you just turned and let me fall.

there were times i wish you'd die, but now i see the answer is me. i always give, i'm always there and when i cry theres noone there. for this reason it's plain to see to stop the heartache i must not be.

to all of you who know my pain this is my exit we are not the same. you search your heart and find your answer, but i will be gone. no more desaster.